The Medicine Chest

A Merry Heart does good like a medicine! ( Prov. 17;22)

Take time to have a chuckle at these comments and stories about ‘old timers’. (well, some of them!) Let’s face it, as you get older you need a good sense of humour – if only to look in the mirror!

New jokes etc are being added all the time, so scroll down to find out if you’ve read them all – and if you have a good item that you think others would enjoy, please e mail it to me at ahocking34@btinternet.com. Thanks.

Give me a sense of humour, Lord. Give me the ability to understand clean jokes, To get some humour out of life, And to pass it on to other folks. Amen

27th OCTOBER 2008.

HEY!!  I thought it was about time we had a new set of funnies:   Here they are – all brand new!  And grateful thanks to all those who have contributed them.

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. “Well,” he said, “I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.”

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, “WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.”

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, “Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”


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This is a true story.  If you have children you will probably relate to this father.
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.

The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands, but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side, holding our six-week-old son.

‘Here, hold Johnny while I get my sandwich,’ she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

I love mustard.
I had no napkin.
I licked it off.
It was not mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster.
It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding out.
With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said, ‘Now you know why they call that fancy mustard ‘Poupon’.’

FORREST GUMP GOES to HEAVEN

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at The Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, And Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, ‘Well, Forrest, It is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.’

Forrest responds, ‘It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain’t too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.’

St. Peter continued, ‘Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.                 First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God’s first name?’

Forrest leaves to think the questions over.

He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, ‘Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers’.

Forrest replied, ‘Well, the first one — which two days in the week begins with the letter ‘T’? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.’

The Saint’s eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, ‘Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?’ asked St. Peter. ‘How many seconds in a year?

Now that one is harder,’ replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.’  Astounded, St. Peter said, ‘Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?’

Forrest replied, ‘Shucks, there’s got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd… ‘Peter cuts in; ‘And I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind…. But I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God’s first name’?

‘Sure,’ Forrest replied, ‘it’s Andy.’ ‘Andy?’ exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. ‘Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, But just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?’

‘Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,’ Forrest replied. ‘I learnt it from the song, ‘ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.’

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: ‘Run Forrest, run.’

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it. If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved.

The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, ‘Do you know where God is, son?’ The boy’s mouth dropped open , but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, ‘Where is God?’

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, ‘Where is God?’

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his room, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him, he asked, ‘What happened?’ The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, ‘We are in BIG trouble this time,’
(I just LOVE reading this next line again and again:)

‘GOD is missing, and they think we did it!’

WHAT  IS A GRANDPARENT?
(taken from papers written by a class of  8-year-olds)


Grandparents  are a lady and a man who have no little children  of their own. They like other people’s.


Grandparents  don’t have to do anything except be there when  we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn’t play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us  money.


When they take us for walks, they slow down past  things like pretty leaves and  caterpillars.


The  show us and talk to us about the colour of the  flowers and also why we shouldn’t step on  ‘cracks.’


They don’t say, ‘Hurry up.’


Usuall  grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your  shoes.


They wear glasses and funny  underwear.


They can take their teeth and gums  out.


Grandparents don’t have to be smart.


They have to answer questions like ‘why isn’t God married?’,  and ‘How come dogs chase  cats?’.


When they read to us, they don’t skip. They don’t mind if we ask for the same story over again.


Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don’t have television because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.


They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time and kiss us even when we’ve acted bad.

A 6 YEAR OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ”OH,” HE SAID, ”SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT AND WHEN WE WANT HER WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE’RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.”

GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS BUT I DON’T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!

Computer trouble.

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, “So, what was wrong?” He replied, “It was an ID ten T error.” I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, “An ID ten T error? What’s that .. in case I need to fix it again?”
Harold grinned…. “Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?”
“No,” I replied. “Write it down,” he said, “and I think you’ll figure it out.”
So I wrote down. I D 1 0 T .
….IDIOT….
I used to like Harold.

Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread the silliness to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even chuckle)…If you know a good story to exercise our chuckle muscles, do let me have it so we can all enjoy it.

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